PND and me

So four months ago I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression. Me, bubbly outgoing Rachel who is always smiley and happy. I have always been a glass half full kind of girl so to be told I was depressed was unexpected and a lot to take in, especially when I was had nothing more than baby blues with Aaron. 

I vividly remember Isaac being 5 weeks old and I felt like I couldn't cope with both children to the point that I went to stay with my in laws for a week. My eldest was struggling with the transition from being an only child to having a sibling and I was at my wits end juggling my newborn, breast feeding on demand and my 3yo. I knew about baby blues and hormones but I felt so different this time round. I felt constantly on the verge of tears, I could not cope with the smallest of decisions or stresses and felt completely overwhelmed and alone despite the amazing support of my family.   I kept putting my feelings down to being tired and the strain of learning to juggle two children, but I quickly realised that things weren't improving as I had hoped. 

My husband started noticing that I wasn't myself and I seemed lost, incredibly vulnerable and emotional. Each day I would ring him in tears about one thing or another.It all culminated when we went to a lovely friends wedding. Everyone wanted to ask me about the baby and tell me how lucky I was to have two beautiful boys and all I wanted to do was talk about anything but motherhood as I felt so ashamed that I was struggling so much. I avoided questions and just wanted to run away from it all, then as I watched the bride and groom dance their first dance I wanted to warn them to enjoy each other and hold off from having children too soon because everything will change...... My husband noticed a change in my face as I watched them and it was like a switch was flicked off inside me. 

I adore my children. They are very much wanted, prayed and planned for, and God has blessed us so abundantly. So to feel so out of sorts when I had all I have ever wanted really knocked me for six. I felt so ashamed that I was feeling like this when I know that so many women would give anything to have what I had. I did hot have any problems bonding with my baby, he was an angel from day one, such a sweet placid boy. However due to the transitional difficulties that my eldest was experiencing I felt constantly torn between them both and incredibly drained. The following day after the wedding I confessed to my hubby how I was feeling and we discussed that we thought I may have some degree of post natal depression. 

My son was 16 weeks old when I went to the doctors. I sobbed in front of my GP who was amazing. She completely understood and made me feel normal, that my thoughts and feelings were relevant, important and not made up, and that it was OK. She reassured me and after a lengthy discussion I began taking SSRI antidepressants. I felt better almost immediately after having being diagnosed, it was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I prayed about the diagnosis and treatment and God showed me that He would guide me through every step of this journey. He reminded me that in my weakness he is strong, and that I should boast in my weaknesses as it is Christ in me that will get me through. So I have openly discussed my depression over the last few months and am now sharing this with you. 

My condition is vastly improved, I feel like my old self again and my husband has got his wife back. I am loving every precious moment with my sons and will not allow myself to be a victim. I am a strong woman of God, an overcomer and a conqueror. I know that God will use this to help others so I want to encourage you that if you or anyone you know thinks they may be suffering from PND please PLEASE don't battle in alone. Get seen, get diagnosed and get help. It is normal, there is no shame and it does not mean you are a bad mother. In fact seeking help as soon as possible shows just what a great mom you are as you care enough about your children to love and care for yourself. 

I am still on this journey and I know that with Gods grace I will come out the other side. 

Stay blessed xxxx

Toddlers Tantrums and Tears

Most of the tears are mine. I feel like banging my head against the proverbial brick wall. My three year old is the apple of my eye, an intelligent, cute little boy who has a wicked sense of humour and a vivid imagination. He also has the worst temper I have ever seen on a child and his recent tantrum episodes have escalated beyond anything I have ever experiences.

Bedtime is usually the worst time however his hissy fits can occur at any time of the day, usually over washing his hands, brushing his teeth or getting dressed. We have tried everything from time out to taking away toys, and we are met with screams, shouts, foot stomping and throwing of toys. My neighbours must think we are wicked parents as all they must hear are screams of a 3 year old occasionally followed by our own retaliation when we have reached our limit.

Today has been monumentally bad. I had to resort to driving my son around in the car to get him to sleep it off after he screamed and tantrummed for 1 hour 40 minutes. He did eventually crash out only to wake in the same foul mood as he went to sleep in. Nursery have no problems, it is only at home which doesn't make me feel any better.

We are expecting baby no. 2 any day and although I am under no illusion that this may have some bearing on the all to regular outbursts, I am also painfully aware that it is simply a very stubborn and unpleasant phase that we need to work through. The only way to do that is remain consistent, keep calm and muddle on, so much easier said than done when you are 9 months pregnant and knackered and just want to enjoy the last few precious weeks with your first born before the chaos of a newborn.... And then the proverbial will really hit the fan....

As I type my son is still shouting an hour on from bedtime and has thrown all his toys and bedding out of his room. Tried distraction, offering cuddles, softly softly approach, ignoring, removing toys and even shouting back. Hubby desperately trying to work in his study next door and I would love to sleep if not for the bloodcurdling cries echoing through my house. Hate that we are both in tears and can't seem to do anything to help it.

Answers on a postcard please.