2013 What A Year It Has Been! New Baby, New House, New Business

So here I am, sat in a completely packed Starbucks in the Birmingham Bullring on 30^th December, with soy latte in hand and I am ready to write my last blog of 2013.

OK, so to be honest, my blog writing has been pretty much non existent this year on account of me learning to juggle being a mother of two combined with a busy church life, a writing career, a lively 3 year old and moving house. Our second son Isaac was born on 1^st March 2013, and he has been a complete blessing, such a contented happy baby who loves to be snuggled much to my delight. However I wasn't expecting my new arrival to come with additional extras in the form of post natal depression, and although I realised very quickly after the birth that something was wrong, I did not get formally diagnosed until Isaac was four months old.

During this time, I celebrated my thirtieth birthday with my family and we moved house to a new area in order to be closer to our preferred schools for Aaron, who will start reception next September. Our new home is lovely and our neighbours are wonderful, but while I busied myself with setting up each room my heart ached with loneliness and a darkness that I could not shake off. The PND diagnosis was a welcome relief, and I instantly felt better just knowing that I wasn't actually going mad and that I did genuinely have an illness that could be treated. Acknowledging the problem felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and the medication quickly helped to balance me out. Isaac is now 10 months old and I feel back to my old self again, and am thoroughly enjoying every minute of raising my two beautiful boys.

September saw me fully launch my freelance writing career and I am absolutely overjoyed to be able to use my creative skills in this way. Writing has long been a passion of mine, and whether it is a journalistic piece, a product review or a short fictional story, I find such pleasure in the written word and making sense of sentences. This was also the month that I rejoined the worship team at Renewal Christian Centre, where my husband and I are members. We love Jesus and it is an honour to be part of and serve such a lively vibrant church, and I count it as the highest privilege to lead people in worship here. There are so many new developments in the pipeline for 2014 we can't wait to see people's hearts touched and lives changed at Renewal in the coming months.

So what's next for me? I am continuing with my writing and plan to build on the foundations I have already laid down, I am blessed to be able to work around my children and spend as much time as I can with them while they are so young. I also enjoy taking and distributing Herbalife nutritional products to keep me fit and healthy and helping my clients do the same.

I want to focus on deepening my relationship with God and enriching my marriage to my best friend this year, time flies by so very fast and I don't want to waste a moment by being distracted with unnecessary things. My God and my family are the most important things in the world to me, and with them by my side I know I can't go far wrong. I plan to write more for 'me' too this year, in the form of this blog, as I find writing down my thoughts so therapeutic, plus reading other peoples blogs gives me such inspiration and I hope mine can do the same. Jesus was the ultimate storyteller, using words and parables to reach thousands of people where they were at, and I would love to think that maybe one day my writing can reach out to others who can relate to my experiences. I pray that each and every reader will have a blessed, prosperous and peaceful 2014!  

PND and me

So four months ago I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression. Me, bubbly outgoing Rachel who is always smiley and happy. I have always been a glass half full kind of girl so to be told I was depressed was unexpected and a lot to take in, especially when I was had nothing more than baby blues with Aaron. 

I vividly remember Isaac being 5 weeks old and I felt like I couldn't cope with both children to the point that I went to stay with my in laws for a week. My eldest was struggling with the transition from being an only child to having a sibling and I was at my wits end juggling my newborn, breast feeding on demand and my 3yo. I knew about baby blues and hormones but I felt so different this time round. I felt constantly on the verge of tears, I could not cope with the smallest of decisions or stresses and felt completely overwhelmed and alone despite the amazing support of my family.   I kept putting my feelings down to being tired and the strain of learning to juggle two children, but I quickly realised that things weren't improving as I had hoped. 

My husband started noticing that I wasn't myself and I seemed lost, incredibly vulnerable and emotional. Each day I would ring him in tears about one thing or another.It all culminated when we went to a lovely friends wedding. Everyone wanted to ask me about the baby and tell me how lucky I was to have two beautiful boys and all I wanted to do was talk about anything but motherhood as I felt so ashamed that I was struggling so much. I avoided questions and just wanted to run away from it all, then as I watched the bride and groom dance their first dance I wanted to warn them to enjoy each other and hold off from having children too soon because everything will change...... My husband noticed a change in my face as I watched them and it was like a switch was flicked off inside me. 

I adore my children. They are very much wanted, prayed and planned for, and God has blessed us so abundantly. So to feel so out of sorts when I had all I have ever wanted really knocked me for six. I felt so ashamed that I was feeling like this when I know that so many women would give anything to have what I had. I did hot have any problems bonding with my baby, he was an angel from day one, such a sweet placid boy. However due to the transitional difficulties that my eldest was experiencing I felt constantly torn between them both and incredibly drained. The following day after the wedding I confessed to my hubby how I was feeling and we discussed that we thought I may have some degree of post natal depression. 

My son was 16 weeks old when I went to the doctors. I sobbed in front of my GP who was amazing. She completely understood and made me feel normal, that my thoughts and feelings were relevant, important and not made up, and that it was OK. She reassured me and after a lengthy discussion I began taking SSRI antidepressants. I felt better almost immediately after having being diagnosed, it was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I prayed about the diagnosis and treatment and God showed me that He would guide me through every step of this journey. He reminded me that in my weakness he is strong, and that I should boast in my weaknesses as it is Christ in me that will get me through. So I have openly discussed my depression over the last few months and am now sharing this with you. 

My condition is vastly improved, I feel like my old self again and my husband has got his wife back. I am loving every precious moment with my sons and will not allow myself to be a victim. I am a strong woman of God, an overcomer and a conqueror. I know that God will use this to help others so I want to encourage you that if you or anyone you know thinks they may be suffering from PND please PLEASE don't battle in alone. Get seen, get diagnosed and get help. It is normal, there is no shame and it does not mean you are a bad mother. In fact seeking help as soon as possible shows just what a great mom you are as you care enough about your children to love and care for yourself. 

I am still on this journey and I know that with Gods grace I will come out the other side. 

Stay blessed xxxx