Bad Mommy Blog

So as I attempt to cook dinner for the third time in thirty minutes I am faced with a barrage of insults from my usually sweet and angelic son who is sat on time out, also for the third time in thirty minutes.  I am aware that he is very hungry after a full on day at preschool, and like his daddy I dare say he currently has tunnel vision as all he can think about is that his stomach in empty and his dinner is STILL. NOT. READY.

The time out was for wilfully spilling an entire cup of water over the dining room table and proceeding to splash in it, covering both the walls, the floor and my second son who was happily sitting in his high chair witnessing the whole debacle. Whatever possessed him to do this I do not know, as an incredibly intelligent and advanced four and a half year old, my son is perfectly aware of what is acceptable behaviour, and this is only further confirmed when he chooses to shut the door to the playroom in order to cause mischief without being seen.

I would love to say that I never lose my temper or say things out of turn, but this is simply not the case, and it is unfair to blame all my son's firey nature on words he has picked up at preschool. However I have never spoken to him, or anyone else for that matter, the way he does to me, so where does he get it from? I love his cheeky character, I love the way he can make me laugh out loud with his silly jokes and funny faces, but at times I despair as to why he seemingly goes out of his way to do things that could make me cry with frustration. Is it something I have done? Am I bad mommy? Does he really mean the things that get shouted over the stair gate from his time out spot on the mat?

The answer of course is no. My son doesn't understand half of the comments he flings out in his defiance to our discipline, much less mean what he says. The price of an advanced little boy who speaks so eloquently and knows far more than he should is often the improper use of words and phrases heard by older children or in TV programmes in a desperate attempt to be more grown up and assert his own thoughts and opinions.

My job as a mother is to love him through this. The comments and tantrums are not personal, they are the overflow of a frustrated child who doesn't understand why the world does not revolve around him, and I need to help him to see that we can't always get our own way and sometimes have to do things that we really would rather not do. The ultimate parent is God in heaven, and I lean on Him heavily in times like this. On days when I could run screaming from the house, or indeed scream back at my tantrumming child the Holy Spirit reminds me that God never screams at me when I throw my toys out of the pram. He never leaves me, or talks down to me. God gently rebukes me when I do wrong, but He always ALWAYS loves me regardless of what I have said or done.

So when my four year old (and I) eventually calm down, we come back together, talk about what happened, say sorry and share a big hug. And this is exactly what God wants from us too, when we fail, lose out temper, lash out at our loved ones, say things that we shouldn't have said, or disobey God, all we need to do is take time out think about what we did and why we did it and talk to our Heavenly Father. By saying the simple yet powerful words 'I am sorry', we are forgiven, for ANYTHING. God wipes the slate clean, He loves us so much that He sent His only son Jesus to take the blame for everything we do wrong, so that we can come to God in confidence knowing that we are forgiven. I couldn't get through a day without Jesus, and I am so thankful for the price He paid for me so that I could have a relationship with God, and I gain so much wisdom and peace from knowing the my Father in heaven is looking out for me and will guide me through parenthood.

Isaiah 40:11 says:

"He tends his flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carried them close to his heart; he gently leads mothers with their young."


Thank you Lord for helping me to love, nurture and raise these children to be the men of God you created them to be. If you want to know more about Jesus check out an Alpha course at your local church or visit Renewal Christian Centre for more information.

R x

Come and rest here.....

Come and rest here......come and lay your burdens down.

The lyrics to Kari Jobe's song 'Here' beckons me to stop, press the pause button on my life and simply be in the presence of God. In a world where we are so crazy busy with appointments, school runs, day jobs, sports and social lives in can seem impossible to fit God in to our lives, especially when we feel like we are being pulled in every direction at once.

Yet that is just what He wants - God desires a relationship with us, not a fast five minute prayer each night before we drift off to sleep, but all of us, all of the time. Colossians 3:23 says 'Do everything as if you are doing it to the Lord', and that means how we rise each day, how we greet our family over coffee in the morning, how we conducts ourselves on the morning commute, how we perform our daily tasks, everything. God wants to be part of our lives, He wants to share the mundane, the little intricacies of our lives that no one else knows because we deem it to be too unimportant to share. God wants to be in that passing thought, that fleeting moment, so that He can reveal Himself to us in a way that we have never experienced before.

In order for God to come in we have to let down our guard, take down the defences and open our hearts to him, warts and all. We need to shake off the shackles of sin, shame and guilt and know in our deepest innermost place that God loves us completely, utterly and totally, just as we are in that exact moment. God doesn't want perfect people, He knew we could never get it right 100% of the time, that is why He sent Jesus. All God needs us to do is to accept Him, accept Jesus, and willingly invite them into our hearts and lives and they will do the rest.

As I listen to this song tonight, I am reminded just how much my God loves me, enough to send my saviour Jesus Christ to die for me. That I am so precious to Him, that he couldn't bear to see me lost forever, but rather He chose to reach out His hand and touch my life that I might be changed forever instead. It has been 10 years this year since I first made the decision to follow Jesus and trust Him with my life, and I have never looked back. Yes there have been tough times, but God has held my hand every step of the way, and the blessings poured back out from heaven have been overwhelming.

This last decade has provided some of the most transformational, defining years of my life, years where I grew to know and love a Saviour who loves me, years where I grew as a woman, becoming more confident in who I am and why I am here, years where I met my lover and soul mate, David Edwards and became his proud wife and mother of his two children.

I am blessed beyond measure, and it is all because I first stopped, and listened to that still small voice ten years ago. My prayer is that I will never stop listening, never stop taking time out to be still and know that He is God, to spend precious time in the presence of the the Lord, being restored, sanctified, healed and embraced by my heavenly father. If you don't know Jesus today, don't wait another moment, invite him in and He will change your life for the better. I would love to pray for you if you make that decision today, otherwise get in touch with your local church who will support you through the early stages of getting to know Jesus and becoming a Christian through valuable resources like Alpha.

God bless you

R xx

Today I Watched A Video....

Today I watched a video. It was only four minutes long, a short documentary about the birth of a young boy. What was so special about it I hear you ask, these home videos are ten a penny on YouTube. Yet this one was special, so incredibly special in fact that it moved me to tears and made me question everything about our society, my response to it and my gratitude for my own blessings in life.

The video I watched was created and released by the parents of Grayson James Walker. This gorgeous little boy was born 15th February 2012 with a severe birth defect called Anencephaly where he was born with parts of his cranium and brain missing. The grief stricken parents were clearly aware of this condition and knew their time with their precious son would be limited, and so they set up professional photographers and called in family members to welcome this little one into the world before he was so quickly taken away. Grayson lived only a short eight hours before passing in to the presence of God. His parents displayed strength that I believe could only have come from God himself as they held their tiny son in their arms, bathed him and dressed him in the most adorable outfits that he would wear only once. They rest in the knowledge that this baby boy is now clothed in robes of righteousness and garments of praise as he sings with the heavenly hosts in the throne room of heaven.

As a mother myself, I can only imagine the heartbreak that these parents endured at losing their son, and their decision to share his first and last moments with family and friends on social media sites is testament to their pride in this beautiful gift from God. However, shockingly, Facebook deemed the photographs of this child to be offensive and removed them. This unbelievable act left Grayson's grieving mother devastated and her response was to replace the deleted photographs of her son alongside many of her supportive family and friends, to which Facebook responded by issuing her with a 24 hour ban from the social media site.

A ban for sharing the most intimate and precious moments of her sons life with her world.

To say I was disgusted would be an understatement. Tears flowed down my cheeks in sorrow for the life that was taken too soon and the grief bore by his parents, and in anger for the judgement passed over this family down to a narrow minded opinion of the powers that be at Facebook. I stared in disbelief at my screen as I imagined who could do such a thing, who could decide that a life isn't worth celebrating, that a moment isn't worth sharing. Why, because it wasn't picture perfect? It wasn't a normal family with a happy ending?

Thankfully, the Walker family received a much needed apology, however I have news for the person who made that call that day. Life isn't picture perfect. We all fall short of the mark. There is more beauty in the face of that disfigured child than in the heart of those who think that his face should not be shared with the world. Jesus came to this Earth to save us from our sin, shame and sickness. He touched the blind, He held the sick, He embraced the leper, He loved the unloveable. He loves each and everyone of us so much more than we could ever comprehend, and He loves without judgement, without condition, without prejudice. Whether you are male, female, disfigured, disabled or whole bodied God has a plan and a purpose for you. Grayson Walker lived on this Earth for only eight hours, yet his legacy lives on and his story has touched the lives of countless people across the globe. Grayson Walker's story has reminded me that God works all things together for good (Romans 8:28) and I for one feel that seeing this angel's face and sharing part of his story has made me a better wife, mother and friend as I will always seek to see the beauty in every person I meet, I will always seek to see the good in a bad situation and I will always thank God in every circumstance, and not least of all thank Him for my own children.

As I tuck my babies in to bed tonight and kiss their sweet faces I will think of Grayson Walker and his family, and thank them for reminding me of the fragility of life and that I must make the most of every precious second. This is one of the reasons God wanted to use this precious child and I thank God for his amazingly strong parents for pursuing their right to share him with me and the rest of the world.

Rest in peace Grayson James xx

Expressing Yourself - Can Faith & Fashion Mix?

Like many girls, I have a weakness for fashion. 

For some it is sky scraper stilettos and for others it may be a penchant for prints, but my style achilles heel comes in the form of two items; scarves and handbags. Having been told by some wise old soul that you can never look fat in a handbag, I think that somewhere deep within my subconscious leapt for joy and made that mantra my own. A new handbag never fails to make me feel good!

 

The same can be said for my scarf addiction, you can simply never have too many scarves! Thankfully for my long suffering husband they are slightly more affordable than the latest designer tote, so regular new additions to my over stuffed scarf draw are not met with too much disapproval.

Whatever your personal style, there is something out there for everyone that makes their eyes widen and their heart race. Fashion is so subjective, and what makes one person feel a million dollars could make another recoil in horror. I think that is what I love about it, that ability to share a piece of your own personality, to bare a small part of your soul for the world to see, and this expression is one that should be respected and embraced. 

Fashion interests me in the way that it may or may not be perceived by people of different faiths. If clothes are an extension of our personality, then surely our style should reflect something of our beliefs too?There are of course specific items worn for religious reasons, with some of the better known ones being the Burqa (full body covering) or Hijab (face and neck covering) as worn by some Muslim women, or the cross/crucifix as worn by Christians to represent their respective faiths. I know that wearing these items actually has no bearing on what faith you are, and certainly wearing a cross makes me no more of a Christian than Rihanna donning a NASA space suit would make her an astronaut. However the suggestion is that what we wear (or more importantly don't wear) does speak to other of our traditions and beliefs. 

Interestingly more and more women in Britain have adopted wearing face and neck coverings after growing tired of the constant unwanted attention from some disrespectful men, and they have embraced the strict rules imposed on Muslim women when it comes to dress code. It is so often the case that young women feel that they have such little choice in how they dress, or indeed they feel railroaded into dressing in a provocative way to please their peers, gain social acceptance or even secure a promotion. 

The dubious role models women see splashed across every newspaper, magazine and social media site portray rebellious celebrities as strong minded women who wear what they want and don't care what anyone else thinks about their look or their attitude. In fact I think that the outfits worn by some of the more outgoing starlets scream the need for attention in a world where you can no longer be accepted if you don't break free from 'the norm', as opposed to a woman who knows her own mind. Perhaps those women who choose to wear bright clashing prints, leather skinnies and statement heels without feeling the need to display her cleavage down to the navel are actually the stronger individuals who are secure enough in their own skin not to follow the crowd. 

As a Christian, I know that I am accepted by God just as I am however that does not mean that I go around wearing immodest clothing. When you receive Jesus you are made into a new creation, and that includes the renewing of your mind, so that what you may have thought was appropriate before you would now consider to be the opposite.  

Since having children, low cut tops are a no go area for me anyway as invariably a small hand will tug in the wrong place causing a massive wardrobe malfunction, and short skirts would simply not be feasible as I spend 70% of my day on my hands and knees with two small boys. I don't think there is anything fundamentally wrong with these items if worn correctly and respectfully, I know that I am representing Jesus where ever I go, and that how I speak and conduct myself will speak far more loudly of my faith than anything I wear. That said, however, I still would not choose clothing that gain unnecessary attention out of respect for God and the body He gave me.

Faith does not mean that fashion has to take a back seat in your life (thank the Lord!!) God didn't design us to be clones, but rather He made each and everyone of us completely unique with individual personalities, and He wants us to use them! Making an effort with our appearance not only makes us look good but feel good, and being attractive is exactly what the Bible is all about; showing others the difference that Jesus has made in our lives. We have so much to be thankful for, our amazing God, Jesus our Saviour, the blessings of our exquisite world hand painted by the ultimate designer Himself, not to mention our wonderful families and warm homes. So go ahead, be thankful this spring and smile as you embrace the paintbox print trend or the oh so chic skort this season, you are fearfully and wonderfully made by the creator and He wants to see you shine for His Kingdom in 2014.

Living Life Through A Lens

Anyone who knows me well, will know that I am never far from my iPhone. That little white box that contains my calendars, emails and provides connections to the outside world no matter where I am and what I am doing. The invention of the smart phone has somewhat revolutionized most people's communication across the globe, and I am definitely no exception. A self confessed addict to social media sites and my beloved blog, I regularly post my comings and goings on twitter, instagram and facebook, and have done for many years.

However I was recently challenged by an interview I heard on UCB UK radio, where a band singer felt that the crowds were missing out by watching their entire tour performance through their phone camera lens. It got me thinking, how often do I capture moments of my life or my children's lives through a lens rather than just being in the moment? Granted, memories cannot be shared with loved ones who aren't present at the time, and instagram et al has enabled thousands of long distance friends and relatives to stay connected and not miss out on the milestones of family life. 

Whilst pondering this thought, I then went on to consider what I actually share.... do I share too much of my life online? By simply wearing my heart on my sleeve am I unwittingly exposing my family and myself to untold dangers? Do I really need to discuss or display our most intimate moments publicly or should they rather remain sacred and private to us as family unit? Does anyone really need to know that we are in Costa coffee, or the local park, or more recently in the hospital due to an unfortunate accident? A naturally outgoing person, I can all too easily allow my life thoughts and feelings to overflow into general conversation, and even more so in to the invisible online world of social media, much to my poor husbands disdain as he is very private. Having always considered him to perhaps be a little uptight, or just put it down to the fact that women like to share their thoughts and experiences whereas men keep their emotions to themselves, I was very shocked and humbled when God massively convicted me on my misinterpretation. Right now I feel like God is asking me to draw back in to my family and that we as a unit draw even closer to Him. 

As a family we feel called to serve God's kingdom through our church, and we know that in order to grow in our relationship with God and with each other we need to invest time and love into these relationships. By constantly putting Jesus at the centre of our family life, seeking first His kingdom then God will add to us all the things we need and the distractions of the world fall away as we fix our eyes on Him. God wants a relationship with us, and as we spend more and more time in His presence, learning His Word and living by His Spirit we will be transformed into His likeness.

I love social media, I think it is a powerful platform for businesses in the digital marketing era and a valuable tool for loved ones to stay connected. I  have made some truly wonderful friends on twitter and instagram, many of whom I have not and will probably never meet face to face, yet they impact my life on a daily basis. My online community is one that is very precious to me, however I am starting to realise the dangers and distractions of getting sucked into a virtual world when I have a very real God and Saviour who desires a deeper relationship with me. I spend so much time watching other peoples lives unfold on facebook and twitter that I sometimes forget to enjoy living my own. My children are so young, yet they will be grown up in the blink of an eye. I don't want their lasting childhood memories to be of a mother who was always there but never present, always stood with iPhone in hand during every achievement, every award, every milestone. 

I will continue using my social media avidly for both business and pleasure, however in the future I will have a very keen eye on how I am using my time to ensure that I invest the better part of it in my family and in getting to know Jesus on an even deeper level. Jesus said in John 10:10 I have come so that you may have life and live it to the full, I encourage each of you to put down the smart phone and do just that. 

R xx

PND: Making It Through The Darkness

Anyone who has ever experienced post natal depression to any degree will know that recovery is not n overnight process. However I was not prepared to be struggling with it over three month post diagnosis. My personal experience of PND required Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI) which I reluctantly took to get me back on track. Within weeks I felt like my old self again, of course there were many emotional low days, but on the whole I was so relieved to feel more in control. My husband has been a constant rock and provided me the best care and support I could have wished for. As my counsellor, lover, partner and best friend, his love and prayers carried me through even the darkest of days.

I struggled with the fact that I relied upon medication to overcome my depression as at the time I thought I should be relying upon God alone for my strength and healing. God quickly silenced my ridiculous ideas by reminding me that if I was sick I would go to hospital for medical intervention and this situation was no different. I thank God that He provides us with knowledge and medical science to alleviate and cure all manner of illnesses, including mental illness. 

I continued with my medication and slowly found my old self again, it felt like looking at your reflection through fogged tinted lenses and as the weeks went by the darkness lifted and the mist cleared.Finally I could see the fun loving, bubbly woman that I used to be. 

My husband regained his wife and my boys regained their mother and my confidence grew and grew so much that I started my own business, Rachel Edwards Writes. I have always regarded motherhood as my highest calling, something that I felt destined to do, however being a successful working business woman in my own right enables me to not only provide a better future for my children, but to to retain my independence and cultivate my creativity. I truly believe that I am a better mother for working and building a business in an industry I am passionate about; writing.

During the festive season and especially in the New Year, I began to do a bit of soul searching and felt that the time was coming to wean myself off the SSRI's. I felt great, and had even forgotten to take the tablets a few times with no detrimental effects, plus I knew that I didn't want to be on medication unless it was absolutely necessary. I prayed about it and felt that it was the right thing to do, but also gave myself the opportunity to go back on them if necessary. The first week off the meds was particularly tough, however I don't think that it has anything to do with the medication, but rather a spiritual battle.The enemy will use anything and everything he can to take you off guard, to make you feel like you can't do something, or that you will fail. He is the prince of lies and desperate to rob us of our joy at any given moment. For the first time in months I felt exposed, vulnerable, weak and scared. 

Looking back I realise this was the devil coming against me. My business was growing successfully and I was wholeheartedly serving God through the leadership team and worship team at Renewal Christian Centre, I was on fire for God and ready to take my relationship with Him to an even higher level. The devil knew this and did his damnedest to make sure I was not in a good place, he wanted to trample my dreams, make me doubt my recovery and my gifts and question my strength and my trust in God. What he didn't account for was the power of God within me. 

God reminded me how precious I am to him, how he only has plans for good, plans to make me prosper, plans to give me a hope and a future. Every time I have read my Bible in the past two weeks I have read about renewing your mind, and it only just occurred to me this morning that God is confirming to me that I am making the right decision in coming off my medication, that He will be my strength and my stay, and that I am changed by a new way of thinking, a transformed Christ-like mindset. Some of the many scriptures God has sown into my heart are below, and I cling to them knowing that He will continue to bring me through the completion of my recovery.

I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.Romans 9:17 NIV

Carefully guard your thoughts because they are the source of true life Proverbs 4:23 CEV

Think the same way that Jesus thought Philippians 2:5 CEV

Let God change the way you think Romans 12:2 CEV

Be changed by a new way of thinking Romans 12:2 NIV

You dear children, are from God and have overcome..because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world 1 John 4 NIV

I am not saying that any sufferer of depression should abandon their medication. This decision is personal to me after several months of treatment, counselling and prayer, and my time scale may be very different to someone else's. What I would say to you if you are affected by depression or mental illness is that God loves you, He sent His son Jesus to die for you so that you could be set free from sickness and disease, and He will help you through the darkness and out the other side if you will only open your heart to Him. Whether you remain on medication for six months or six years is irrelevant, the only thing that is important is your salvation and security in Jesus. Let Him in, let Him transform you from the inside out, mind body and soul, and this all starts with giving Him your heart.

2014 - A Year of Possibilities & Promises

Welcome 2014! After a fabulous evening of love, laughter, good food and great friends I am the first awake on the first day of the New Year (courtesy of my small children who think sleep is for the weak)

So as I sip my lemon and ginger tea to counteract the celebratory champers consumed at midnight last night, I am sat in our besties front room

watching my gorgeous sons playing and thanking God for the crazy ways he has blessed me in the past decade. 

Not only have I met and married my best friend and lover, we have moved house twice, become part of the ministry team at our amazing church Renewal, made life long friends along the way to share the journey of life and faith, both launched our own businesses and most importantly been given the gift of children. 

At the start of the noughties I was a single girl, living in Cambridgeshire, working as a veterinary nurse and if someone had said to me 8 years ago that I would be living in Birmingham, married with two children, serving God in the worship team and  a freelance writing career I would have laughed in their face! The truth is I thought I had 'everything', I was doing what I thought was my dream job, living week to week on my paycheck with no responsibilities and partying like it was 1999...again, but I was searching for more, a deep longing in my heart that could only be filled by Jesus.

Gods plans far exceed mine, and He has proved over and over again since I gave my heart to Jesus, that He knows best and the way He has transformed and enriched my life is just beyond anything I could have hoped for or imagined.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declared The Lord, plans to give you a hope and a future...." Jeremiah 29:11

God always fulfils His plans and promises for our life. Even when we are struggling and can't see beyond the next step in our journey we just need to trust in Him and He will hold our hands through each decision and guide us along the right path for us. If we will only follow His lead this year the possibilities are endless as God will go ahead of us and prepare a way for us, so let's take His hand this year and let Him lead us in 2014.