PND: Making It Through The Darkness

Anyone who has ever experienced post natal depression to any degree will know that recovery is not n overnight process. However I was not prepared to be struggling with it over three month post diagnosis. My personal experience of PND required Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI) which I reluctantly took to get me back on track. Within weeks I felt like my old self again, of course there were many emotional low days, but on the whole I was so relieved to feel more in control. My husband has been a constant rock and provided me the best care and support I could have wished for. As my counsellor, lover, partner and best friend, his love and prayers carried me through even the darkest of days.

I struggled with the fact that I relied upon medication to overcome my depression as at the time I thought I should be relying upon God alone for my strength and healing. God quickly silenced my ridiculous ideas by reminding me that if I was sick I would go to hospital for medical intervention and this situation was no different. I thank God that He provides us with knowledge and medical science to alleviate and cure all manner of illnesses, including mental illness. 

I continued with my medication and slowly found my old self again, it felt like looking at your reflection through fogged tinted lenses and as the weeks went by the darkness lifted and the mist cleared.Finally I could see the fun loving, bubbly woman that I used to be. 

My husband regained his wife and my boys regained their mother and my confidence grew and grew so much that I started my own business, Rachel Edwards Writes. I have always regarded motherhood as my highest calling, something that I felt destined to do, however being a successful working business woman in my own right enables me to not only provide a better future for my children, but to to retain my independence and cultivate my creativity. I truly believe that I am a better mother for working and building a business in an industry I am passionate about; writing.

During the festive season and especially in the New Year, I began to do a bit of soul searching and felt that the time was coming to wean myself off the SSRI's. I felt great, and had even forgotten to take the tablets a few times with no detrimental effects, plus I knew that I didn't want to be on medication unless it was absolutely necessary. I prayed about it and felt that it was the right thing to do, but also gave myself the opportunity to go back on them if necessary. The first week off the meds was particularly tough, however I don't think that it has anything to do with the medication, but rather a spiritual battle.The enemy will use anything and everything he can to take you off guard, to make you feel like you can't do something, or that you will fail. He is the prince of lies and desperate to rob us of our joy at any given moment. For the first time in months I felt exposed, vulnerable, weak and scared. 

Looking back I realise this was the devil coming against me. My business was growing successfully and I was wholeheartedly serving God through the leadership team and worship team at Renewal Christian Centre, I was on fire for God and ready to take my relationship with Him to an even higher level. The devil knew this and did his damnedest to make sure I was not in a good place, he wanted to trample my dreams, make me doubt my recovery and my gifts and question my strength and my trust in God. What he didn't account for was the power of God within me. 

God reminded me how precious I am to him, how he only has plans for good, plans to make me prosper, plans to give me a hope and a future. Every time I have read my Bible in the past two weeks I have read about renewing your mind, and it only just occurred to me this morning that God is confirming to me that I am making the right decision in coming off my medication, that He will be my strength and my stay, and that I am changed by a new way of thinking, a transformed Christ-like mindset. Some of the many scriptures God has sown into my heart are below, and I cling to them knowing that He will continue to bring me through the completion of my recovery.

I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.Romans 9:17 NIV

Carefully guard your thoughts because they are the source of true life Proverbs 4:23 CEV

Think the same way that Jesus thought Philippians 2:5 CEV

Let God change the way you think Romans 12:2 CEV

Be changed by a new way of thinking Romans 12:2 NIV

You dear children, are from God and have overcome..because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world 1 John 4 NIV

I am not saying that any sufferer of depression should abandon their medication. This decision is personal to me after several months of treatment, counselling and prayer, and my time scale may be very different to someone else's. What I would say to you if you are affected by depression or mental illness is that God loves you, He sent His son Jesus to die for you so that you could be set free from sickness and disease, and He will help you through the darkness and out the other side if you will only open your heart to Him. Whether you remain on medication for six months or six years is irrelevant, the only thing that is important is your salvation and security in Jesus. Let Him in, let Him transform you from the inside out, mind body and soul, and this all starts with giving Him your heart.

2014 - A Year of Possibilities & Promises

Welcome 2014! After a fabulous evening of love, laughter, good food and great friends I am the first awake on the first day of the New Year (courtesy of my small children who think sleep is for the weak)

So as I sip my lemon and ginger tea to counteract the celebratory champers consumed at midnight last night, I am sat in our besties front room

watching my gorgeous sons playing and thanking God for the crazy ways he has blessed me in the past decade. 

Not only have I met and married my best friend and lover, we have moved house twice, become part of the ministry team at our amazing church Renewal, made life long friends along the way to share the journey of life and faith, both launched our own businesses and most importantly been given the gift of children. 

At the start of the noughties I was a single girl, living in Cambridgeshire, working as a veterinary nurse and if someone had said to me 8 years ago that I would be living in Birmingham, married with two children, serving God in the worship team and  a freelance writing career I would have laughed in their face! The truth is I thought I had 'everything', I was doing what I thought was my dream job, living week to week on my paycheck with no responsibilities and partying like it was 1999...again, but I was searching for more, a deep longing in my heart that could only be filled by Jesus.

Gods plans far exceed mine, and He has proved over and over again since I gave my heart to Jesus, that He knows best and the way He has transformed and enriched my life is just beyond anything I could have hoped for or imagined.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declared The Lord, plans to give you a hope and a future...." Jeremiah 29:11

God always fulfils His plans and promises for our life. Even when we are struggling and can't see beyond the next step in our journey we just need to trust in Him and He will hold our hands through each decision and guide us along the right path for us. If we will only follow His lead this year the possibilities are endless as God will go ahead of us and prepare a way for us, so let's take His hand this year and let Him lead us in 2014.

2013 What A Year It Has Been! New Baby, New House, New Business

So here I am, sat in a completely packed Starbucks in the Birmingham Bullring on 30^th December, with soy latte in hand and I am ready to write my last blog of 2013.

OK, so to be honest, my blog writing has been pretty much non existent this year on account of me learning to juggle being a mother of two combined with a busy church life, a writing career, a lively 3 year old and moving house. Our second son Isaac was born on 1^st March 2013, and he has been a complete blessing, such a contented happy baby who loves to be snuggled much to my delight. However I wasn't expecting my new arrival to come with additional extras in the form of post natal depression, and although I realised very quickly after the birth that something was wrong, I did not get formally diagnosed until Isaac was four months old.

During this time, I celebrated my thirtieth birthday with my family and we moved house to a new area in order to be closer to our preferred schools for Aaron, who will start reception next September. Our new home is lovely and our neighbours are wonderful, but while I busied myself with setting up each room my heart ached with loneliness and a darkness that I could not shake off. The PND diagnosis was a welcome relief, and I instantly felt better just knowing that I wasn't actually going mad and that I did genuinely have an illness that could be treated. Acknowledging the problem felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and the medication quickly helped to balance me out. Isaac is now 10 months old and I feel back to my old self again, and am thoroughly enjoying every minute of raising my two beautiful boys.

September saw me fully launch my freelance writing career and I am absolutely overjoyed to be able to use my creative skills in this way. Writing has long been a passion of mine, and whether it is a journalistic piece, a product review or a short fictional story, I find such pleasure in the written word and making sense of sentences. This was also the month that I rejoined the worship team at Renewal Christian Centre, where my husband and I are members. We love Jesus and it is an honour to be part of and serve such a lively vibrant church, and I count it as the highest privilege to lead people in worship here. There are so many new developments in the pipeline for 2014 we can't wait to see people's hearts touched and lives changed at Renewal in the coming months.

So what's next for me? I am continuing with my writing and plan to build on the foundations I have already laid down, I am blessed to be able to work around my children and spend as much time as I can with them while they are so young. I also enjoy taking and distributing Herbalife nutritional products to keep me fit and healthy and helping my clients do the same.

I want to focus on deepening my relationship with God and enriching my marriage to my best friend this year, time flies by so very fast and I don't want to waste a moment by being distracted with unnecessary things. My God and my family are the most important things in the world to me, and with them by my side I know I can't go far wrong. I plan to write more for 'me' too this year, in the form of this blog, as I find writing down my thoughts so therapeutic, plus reading other peoples blogs gives me such inspiration and I hope mine can do the same. Jesus was the ultimate storyteller, using words and parables to reach thousands of people where they were at, and I would love to think that maybe one day my writing can reach out to others who can relate to my experiences. I pray that each and every reader will have a blessed, prosperous and peaceful 2014!  

PND and me

So four months ago I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression. Me, bubbly outgoing Rachel who is always smiley and happy. I have always been a glass half full kind of girl so to be told I was depressed was unexpected and a lot to take in, especially when I was had nothing more than baby blues with Aaron. 

I vividly remember Isaac being 5 weeks old and I felt like I couldn't cope with both children to the point that I went to stay with my in laws for a week. My eldest was struggling with the transition from being an only child to having a sibling and I was at my wits end juggling my newborn, breast feeding on demand and my 3yo. I knew about baby blues and hormones but I felt so different this time round. I felt constantly on the verge of tears, I could not cope with the smallest of decisions or stresses and felt completely overwhelmed and alone despite the amazing support of my family.   I kept putting my feelings down to being tired and the strain of learning to juggle two children, but I quickly realised that things weren't improving as I had hoped. 

My husband started noticing that I wasn't myself and I seemed lost, incredibly vulnerable and emotional. Each day I would ring him in tears about one thing or another.It all culminated when we went to a lovely friends wedding. Everyone wanted to ask me about the baby and tell me how lucky I was to have two beautiful boys and all I wanted to do was talk about anything but motherhood as I felt so ashamed that I was struggling so much. I avoided questions and just wanted to run away from it all, then as I watched the bride and groom dance their first dance I wanted to warn them to enjoy each other and hold off from having children too soon because everything will change...... My husband noticed a change in my face as I watched them and it was like a switch was flicked off inside me. 

I adore my children. They are very much wanted, prayed and planned for, and God has blessed us so abundantly. So to feel so out of sorts when I had all I have ever wanted really knocked me for six. I felt so ashamed that I was feeling like this when I know that so many women would give anything to have what I had. I did hot have any problems bonding with my baby, he was an angel from day one, such a sweet placid boy. However due to the transitional difficulties that my eldest was experiencing I felt constantly torn between them both and incredibly drained. The following day after the wedding I confessed to my hubby how I was feeling and we discussed that we thought I may have some degree of post natal depression. 

My son was 16 weeks old when I went to the doctors. I sobbed in front of my GP who was amazing. She completely understood and made me feel normal, that my thoughts and feelings were relevant, important and not made up, and that it was OK. She reassured me and after a lengthy discussion I began taking SSRI antidepressants. I felt better almost immediately after having being diagnosed, it was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I prayed about the diagnosis and treatment and God showed me that He would guide me through every step of this journey. He reminded me that in my weakness he is strong, and that I should boast in my weaknesses as it is Christ in me that will get me through. So I have openly discussed my depression over the last few months and am now sharing this with you. 

My condition is vastly improved, I feel like my old self again and my husband has got his wife back. I am loving every precious moment with my sons and will not allow myself to be a victim. I am a strong woman of God, an overcomer and a conqueror. I know that God will use this to help others so I want to encourage you that if you or anyone you know thinks they may be suffering from PND please PLEASE don't battle in alone. Get seen, get diagnosed and get help. It is normal, there is no shame and it does not mean you are a bad mother. In fact seeking help as soon as possible shows just what a great mom you are as you care enough about your children to love and care for yourself. 

I am still on this journey and I know that with Gods grace I will come out the other side. 

Stay blessed xxxx

Supernatural Childbirth

Wow these last few days feel like such a happy whirlwind.... I am so pleased to share our supernatural childbirth with you! I had three or four false alarms in the two weeks leading up to the birth of our son where I had regular strong contractions that weren't too painful for anything between 3 and 12 hours. I then had a sweep on my due date and was told I was 1cm dilated, my cervix very soft and stretchy and to expect baby any day! I had yet more braxton hicks most of the day Wednesday and by Thursday I was very uncomfortable and getting tired as couldn't rest thinking 'is this it?'. By Thursday evening I wanted to know if anything was happening so went to Solihull Birth Unit to be examined. The midwife said she thought my waters had gone so I was 'on the clock' and had until 11am the following day to give birth otherwise I would be induced. The midwives at Solihull were very concerned about baby's size as I had a huge bump and was 'all baby' measuring at 43/44 weeks when I was actually 40+3 and agreed they would rather I deliver at Heartlands as they were worried that we could have complications due to baby's size. I was only 2cm dilated (this was at around 12am) so they told me to go home for a few hours until the contractions were stronger then to go to Heartlands Hospital.

We got home around 1am and my lovely sister was babysitting and still awake so we all had a cup of tea and then my waters well and truly went - everywhere! It was the strangest sensation and we all laughed as Dave ran for towels... then the contractions were double strength and coming thick and fast and within 5 minutes we were back in the car going to Heartlands.

We got to hospital at 2:14am and were put in to a clinical looking delivery room - no waterbirths or midwife led units allowed now as we were technically high risk wish I was a little sad about as we had a lovely waterbirth with Aaron. The contractions were very intense and I was pretty nervous about possible intervention but I knew we were in the right place and felt Gods peace as Dave and I prayed throughout the labour.

The midwife came in around 2.30am and said she thought I was very calm so suggested examining me later, I asked her to examine me there and then and she said 'oh you are fully dilated Mrs Edwards, would you like some gas and air?!' Classic! So I got up and knelt on the bed, had gas and air and soon needed to push. Within a few contractions Isaac Terence David was born at 3.22am on St David's Day weighing a hearty 9lbs 5oz!

The birth was amazing, no tears, stitches or complications. It was truly a supernatural birth and I could hear Dave praying all the way through. He is an awesome birth partner! We had been reading Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize all the way through conception and pregnancy and God really blessed us with another fantastic birth experience. The book is amazing and helps you to discover and stand on the promises of God in the bible concerning conception, pregnancy and birth. We read it from 6 months pregnant with Aaron and from day one with Isaac.

After the obligatory tea and toast I showered and was wheeled down to Cedar ward with my bundle. It was so surreal watching this little tiny person staring back at me knowing that he was inside me just minutes before! God is good and as I gaze at my beautiful babies I am overwhelmed with gratitude and love to God for his blessings and to Jesus for standing with me every step of the way.

What a difference a day makes...

Well I am pleased to report that after tantrum-gate on Tuesday we have had a complete turn around in the Edwards household! A massive thank you to all who got in touch to offer prayers, love and support, it clearly worked praise God.

As heartbreaking as it was, we stuck to our guns and our gorgeous 3yo went to bed without his favourite bear for the first time. We knew we had to follow through with our threat to take him away but so hoped it wouldn't be necessary! A did eventually calm down and sleep through the night and when he woke up the next morning the first thing he did was apologise for shouting, and he has been good as gold ever since! He has been particularly sensitive to how we feel, he knew that it really upset us to see him so upset and also the way he was behaving towards us and he has been polite and thoughtful all week. The odd and thankfully occasion where he has started to look like he may throw a wobbly we have been able to quickly distract him and by remaining calm, consistent and not reacting to his demands the situation has been dissolved easily.

There are never any easy options when disciplining children, the Bible tells us "Discipline your children while there is hope. Otherwise you will ruin their lives. "(Proverbs 19:18 NLT) and "Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them." (Proverbs 13:24 NLT)

I know that discipline comes in many different forms and I know that every child is a unique individual who will require a unique approach. For our spirited 3 year old we need to show him how to control his feelings and emotions by controlling ours, and this is something that is a continual learning process for all of us. We can learn so much by the way that our awesome Heavenly Father parents us as his children - with unconditional love, grace and forgiveness accompanied by gentle conviction and rebuking. I know that there will be many more tantrums and tough times ahead, especially with the addition of a second child to our family unit, however right now I am so thankful to God for my beautiful, clever little boy and that we have had an amazing week together. Long may these happy days continue!

Toddlers Tantrums and Tears

Most of the tears are mine. I feel like banging my head against the proverbial brick wall. My three year old is the apple of my eye, an intelligent, cute little boy who has a wicked sense of humour and a vivid imagination. He also has the worst temper I have ever seen on a child and his recent tantrum episodes have escalated beyond anything I have ever experiences.

Bedtime is usually the worst time however his hissy fits can occur at any time of the day, usually over washing his hands, brushing his teeth or getting dressed. We have tried everything from time out to taking away toys, and we are met with screams, shouts, foot stomping and throwing of toys. My neighbours must think we are wicked parents as all they must hear are screams of a 3 year old occasionally followed by our own retaliation when we have reached our limit.

Today has been monumentally bad. I had to resort to driving my son around in the car to get him to sleep it off after he screamed and tantrummed for 1 hour 40 minutes. He did eventually crash out only to wake in the same foul mood as he went to sleep in. Nursery have no problems, it is only at home which doesn't make me feel any better.

We are expecting baby no. 2 any day and although I am under no illusion that this may have some bearing on the all to regular outbursts, I am also painfully aware that it is simply a very stubborn and unpleasant phase that we need to work through. The only way to do that is remain consistent, keep calm and muddle on, so much easier said than done when you are 9 months pregnant and knackered and just want to enjoy the last few precious weeks with your first born before the chaos of a newborn.... And then the proverbial will really hit the fan....

As I type my son is still shouting an hour on from bedtime and has thrown all his toys and bedding out of his room. Tried distraction, offering cuddles, softly softly approach, ignoring, removing toys and even shouting back. Hubby desperately trying to work in his study next door and I would love to sleep if not for the bloodcurdling cries echoing through my house. Hate that we are both in tears and can't seem to do anything to help it.

Answers on a postcard please.